Reflections of a Modestly Remunerated Substack Writer No. 1
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No one in this world, so far as I know—and I have searched the records for years, and employ agents to help me—has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people... (Mencken, 1926)
2025-07-18 | Vancouver, Canada | 08:53 PST
At the Frankfurt Book Fair last year, Kristina Hannelore Luger-Braun at Pangolin House Double Kampf™, no relation to
, offered me a book deal with a reasonable advance to write a series of self-help books for adults, written in the style of 1980s Choose Your Own Adventure titles. Though repelled by the idea and resistant at first, I readily admit that I was intrigued by the stupidity of this undertaking. Indeed, it seemed like a sure-fire money maker.It felt beneath me to write such a book. But should I keep my dignity, and tell my business manager, Wim, to say “no”? I had to think on it.
Sensing my repugnance for selling out my literary ambitions in this way, Wimi reminded me of Proverbs 16:181, “Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall.” At lunch on the last day of the book fair, Bart Luger2 himself, the founder of Zagbonix™, the Gazette’s new corporate sponsor, encouraged me to reconsider Tina’s offer. What are you thinking, turning down Miss Luger-Braun’s offer? Do you know how many millions of dollars have been made from that verdammter Scheiß-Vollidiot™ book series? It defies comprehension! There’s even one on self-esteem: Der Verdammte Scheiß-Vollidiotenratgeber für Selbstwertgefühl™!” 3
Bart was shrieking.
Look at the current president! Mencken4 was right, by God. Fortune favours the bold!
Won over by Bart’s confidence in me, I wiped his spittle from my face and agreed.
How did this opportunity come to pass? Just by chance, really. Wimi and I met Bart and his sister-in-law Tina at the Frankfurt Book Fair last year. Balbourethrex Research™ (the parent company of Zagbonix™) and Pangolin House Double Kampf™ had publisher tables next to each other at an offsite event at Sabine’s Deutsches Freudenhaus on Europa-Allee5.
Deutsches Freudenhaus is a kind of pop-up hotel that comes to town every year for Oktoberfest. It is very popular in the continental publishing industry. Luckily for me, my business manager was able to negotiate very reasonable rates there for all five days of the book fair. It was just a short walking distance from the Freudenhaus to Messe Frankfurt, where the five hundred year old book fair is held. Pure heaven.
was even there6. Very exciting.The reason for Bart’s passion, I later learned, was that he had gone to great lengths to distance himself from the legacy of his late brother, Adolphus Georg “Adi” Luger, the disgraced inventor of Nigphagulin™. Bart saw pivoting from pharmaceutical scandal to literary patronage as an opportunity to restore his family name, and I suppose I felt compelled to help him. I’ve always been a bit of a people pleaser that way.
You may remember, back in 2020, American Meconium™ had a COVID-19 vaccine alternative called Nigphagulin™7. That was the brainchild of Bart’s estranged brother Adi. Derived from Nigella sativa, a member of the buttercup family, Nigphagulin™ was originally formulated to treat bacterial infections in animals resistant to standard antibiotics, but was later re-branded by Adi as a natural and safe alternative to the COVID vaccine for human use.
Unfortunately, in a few extreme medical reactions, Nigphagulin™ was linked to spontaneous autogenic scabies outbreaks and Phthiraptera blooms. As a result, it slowly lost market share to Ivermectin and bleach injections before it could obtain government approval for human trials.
Ironically, while no veterinary medicinal products were scientifically proven to cure COVID, Ivermectin actually does cure scabies and lice. So when the president declared “war on phagocytosis”, Adi knew that Nigphagulin™ was doomed.
The Führer’s heroes “don’t use RNA-modified protein-based buttercup supplements,” President P01135809 famously declared on national television at the height of the pandemic. The name didn’t test well anyway. So you see the problem.
Sadly, on September 2, 2021, Adi took his own life.
Moving on… since the Vancouver Gazette’s international recognition by the WBO™, my business manager, Wim, began fielding a steady stream of intriguing business offers for me.
While it’s all quite thrilling, and I’m tempted to say “yes” to everything, my financial advisors have counselled me to be selective and Wimi generally agrees.
Some of my recent offers involve endorsement deals, banner placements, and ad buys for other pharmaceutical supplements. They all look very interesting and are willing to pay me fairly, but I don’t like the idea of cluttering up the Vancouver Gazette with commercial advertising like some NASCAR driver8. It doesn’t feel right.
2025-07-18 | Vancouver, Canada | 09:53 PST
Since originally penning today’s first journal entry, I have begun to have second thoughts about writing that book for PHDK™. Fortunately, I have several months left before the manuscript is due and I still have most of Fräulein Luger-Braun’s advance, should I cancel this deal and need to return it.
On the last day of the book fair last year, after the panel discussion, worryingly titled “Grenzen überschreiten”9, and after Juergen Boos's closing remarks, we all retired back to Sabine’s. It was there at Sabine’s beneath the book fair’s official business swing10 that I met a most charming cultural power-couple. From them, I received a most intriguing business proposal, one that promised to “open up my emancipatory praxis of being and help me discover parts of my creative soul that I never knew existed.”11
The business language rooted in Germany’s civil code is quite different from the common law terminology familiar to those of us here in North America.
So here’s the thing. I said “no”, of course. I guess I was just afraid of flying too close to the sun. But maybe Wimi is right and I am just afraid of success.
I do love QI and Wimi tells me that Prime Suspect is must-see TV. Perhaps it’s time for me to call them both back and see if the offer still stands.
I still have five months before my manuscript is due. With the Gazette’s recent Zagbonix™-sponsored ad revenue, I am free to follow my heart, financially speaking.
I’ll call Ms. Luger-Braun on Monday and we’ll talk about the future.
That’s it for today. Best, G. A.
The Holy Bible, King James Version. (1769/2017). Proverbs 16:18. Cambridge University Press.
Yes. That Bart Luger. Bartholomaeus (Bart) Georg Luger. Indirect descendent of Georg Luger, inventor of the Luger pistol in 1891.
It’s a real thing. Warner, M. (2009). The complete idiot's guide to enhancing self-esteem. Penguin Random House Canada.
In the vacant lot, across the street from the noodle shop.
At the Frankfurt Book Fair. Not the Freudenhaus.
Nigphagulin™ is the last word in protein-based herbal supplementation, derived from Nigella sativa. Commonly known as black seed or black cumin (though unrelated to true cumin), Nigella sativa belongs to the buttercup family, Ranunculaceae. Nigphagulin™ was marketed to boost phagocytosis and stimulate immune responses in livestock. It failed as a cure for human COVID-19 sufferers.
“La puttana degli sport motoristici”, so said Count Giovanni Lurani, the father of F1.
Literally, “Crossing Borders”
The business swing, known as the Geschäftsabschlusserfüllungsschaukel in German, is a traditional ceremonial instrument formally recognized in German civil and contract law, occasionally employed to mark the consummation of particularly spirited business agreements.
I later learned that this business proposal was a sly quotation from the foreword to The Pleasures of Old Werther by Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (trans. M. Hulse, Pangolin House Double Kampf Books, 1832/1774, p. 7).