Mouse Like Me
A Mouse on Facebook Dating
An Open Letter to the Vancouver Online Dating Community
Dear so-called lonely hearts of Vancouver,
Well, well, well.
“Put yourself out there,” they said. “Vancouver’s a cosmopolitan city,” they said. “What are you, chicken?” they teased me. Well, this is the last time I do anything you m— f—s tell me to do.
Against my better judgment, I listened. I went on Facebook Dating. I thought maybe you were right. I have been feeling a little down in the dumps. Maybe I should put myself out there. So you wore me down. “Facebook has millions of daily active female users,” you told me. Right? Maybe I would find someone who wanted to go to the Art Gallery with me. Maybe meet someone to stroll through used bookstores with. That could be nice. Right?
Well, you know what? You were wrong.
I put the profile you helped me make on Facebook Dating, and do you know how many people swiped right and said “hello”? One. One single person. And she looked batty as a loon and old enough to be my mother. And so many house cats in her profile. But I chatted with her politely, like a gentleman.
Then she asked what I did for a living. I told her I’m between appointments. And she ghosted me. Me. An affiliated research scholar from The New School. And she ghosts me?
I put myself out there. I made myself vulnerable. And my heart got stepped on.
But that’s not even the worst of it.
I put my human friend’s photos up instead of my own, just as an experiment. And can you guess what happened?
Boom! My inbox exploded. Hundreds of messages in a single day. Big women, little women, tall ones, short ones. They couldn’t wait to go out with Human Phil.
But Harvest Mouse Phil? Absolutely nothing. Crickets.
You people make me sick. It’s racism, pure and simple. I hope you’re proud of yourselves. I really do. I’m a harvest mouse. I’m only going to live about eighteen months, you know. And do you know what I’m going to do in 2027?
I’m going to haunt the living hell out of you.
So put that in your pipe and smoke it.
This isn’t over. Not by a long shot, mister. I’m published for God’s sake!
With great distaste,
Dr. P. G. Wiggles
Sessional Lecturer (between appointments)
Arthur Janov University, Vancouver Campus
So that happened.
Best, G. A.
References:
Butthole Surfers. (1996). Pepper [Song]. On Electriclarryland. Capitol Records.
Kraftwerk. (1978). The model [Song]. On The man-machine. Capitol Records.
Village People. (1978). Macho man [Song]. On Macho man. Casablanca Records.
VonStroke, C., & Watts, R. (2015). This MFing beat [Song]. On This MFing beat. Dirtybird.
Just adorable. But yeah, mouse may be incompatible with cat ladies but that may be a good thing. And are people on dating sites without a sense of humor? Enjoy the art galleries and bookstores anyway but remember to pack a bit of cheese.